


London

by frankiesin



Series: Say It With Neon [19]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mikey Is Sad Boi, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 20:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17515538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankiesin/pseuds/frankiesin
Summary: Mikey shows up at Spencer's old flat looking for a fuck. What he gets instead are feelings.(MM17 ficlet)





	London

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to Delicate by Taylor Swift, realised it was a Spencer/Mikey song, and wrote this. All in one day. 
> 
> I love being on a creative binge, yeehaw!

**April 7, 2010; London, England.**

 

Mikey stared at the door. He knew that Spencer was on the other side of it, and he knew that this was a bad idea. He and Spencer weren’t in a relationship. They’d never been in one. Spencer was out, Mikey wasn’t. Mikey was married, Spencer was dating someone who wasn’t Mikey and was probably a lot better than Mikey.

 

And yet. _And yet_.

 

Mikey was standing outside of Spencer’s flat, his hand itching for a cigarette as he raised it to the door. He had no idea if Spencer still lived here, or if he’d decided to move in with his boyfriend. Mikey didn’t know much about Spencer anymore. They hadn’t talked in a few weeks, but Mikey felt the need to come here. My Chemical Romance was going back to the States in two days, and Mikey wanted… he wanted a chance to say goodbye.

 

He’d never admit it outloud, but he felt _something_ towards Spencer. Mikey had never let himself think about his feelings towards men. It was one thing to sleep with men, or kiss them or get them off in clubs. It was another thing to have feelings for them. Mikey wouldn’t call it being in love. Mikey didn’t fall in love with men, and Spencer was no exception.

 

He felt like he was going to vomit as soon as his fist hit the door to knock. He knocked three times, and then jerked his hand back as though he’d been burned. He needed a cigarette. He needed to be drunk to do this. He needed to be drunk so that he could keep his brain from going off in unacceptable directions.

 

He’d been fifteen when he’d first come out. He’d come out to his mom first, because she was friends with drag queens and gays and lesbians and she’d never had any issue with Gee being trans. Donna hadn’t cared that both of her children had been given the wrong bodies.

 

Mikey’s father, however, had had some choice words for his new son. Mikey still remembered them now, almost fifteen years later. _If you wanna be a man, you better act like it._ That included not being gay. There was nothing wrong with being gay, but Mikey couldn’t. He couldn’t like men and still see himself as one, and his own body was more important than the people he slept with.

 

The door opened, revealing a woman with thick, curly hair and large wire rimmed glasses. She looked Mikey up and down, her eyebrows creasing into a frown. “Can I help you?”

 

“Is Spencer here?” Mikey asked. He knew Spencer had a flatmate, and assumed that this woman was said flatmate. Mikey had never met her. He had a feeling Spencer had done that on purpose, to keep his flatmate from connecting Spencer to his old band.

 

The woman shook her head. “Sorry, mate, he doesn’t live here anymore.”

 

Mikey felt something drop in his chest. He ignored that feeling, not interested in finding out what it meant for him. If Spencer didn’t live here, that meant that he and Gavin had moved in together. That meant that Spencer and Gavin really were serious, and that Spencer wouldn’t be interested in a final fuck before Mikey returned to Los Angeles and released the album. Mikey had wanted that. He hadn’t realised he’d wanted it until it was no longer a possibility, and that scared him.

 

He didn’t let himself think about the other things he’d want from Spencer. Spencer wasn’t going to give him any of that, anyway. He’d found someone else. He didn’t need Mikey. _No one_ needed Mikey.

 

Mikey swallowed, and nodded. “Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. He and Gavin have been together for a while, haven’t they?”

 

“Spencer isn’t with Gavin anymore,” the woman said. There was a bit of bite in her voice now, and she crossed her arms over her chest. “He moved back to America a few weeks ago, after they broke up…”

 

She narrowed her eyes at him, taking him in for a moment. “You’re Mikey, aren’t you?”

 

“...yes?” Mikey said, hoping she only knew him as Spencer’s ex fuck buddy, and not as Mikey Way from My Chemical Romance. Mikey tapped his fingers against his leg. “Did Spencer talk about me?”

 

“Occasionally,” she said. “I’m surprised he didn’t tell you he’d gone back.”

 

“Me too,” Mikey said. It came out more bitter than he’d intended. Mikey wasn’t sure if he and Spencer had ever considered themselves friends. They’d been thrown together through circumstance, and through shared experience. Mikey didn’t know if that meant anything to Spencer, and he didn’t want to assume for himself that Spencer cared. It was easier to assume that no one cared. He got fucked over less that way.

 

“Well, he did, and I’m sorry he didn’t mention it,” she said. She looked sorry. She looked unsure what to do with Mikey, too. “Spencer… the breakup was messy. He had a lot on his mind. I’m sure he didn’t mean anything, not telling you.”

 

“It’s fine,” Mikey said, waving her off. He didn’t need anyone feeling bad for him. “I just came by to tell him that I’m going back to Los Angeles soon, but I guess I don’t need to, since he’s already gone.”

 

“I guess not,” she said. She was looking at him as though she could see right through him, and see that he was sinking in his own feelings again. As if somehow she knew that Spencer had meant more to Mikey than he’d ever wanted to admit to himself.

 

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “Did you want to come in? I could make some tea? Or coffee, if that’s more your thing?”

 

“I’ll pass. I need to… to pack,” Mikey said. Really, what he needed to do was go find a bar and get drunk and then throw himself at the first guy that reminded him of Spencer without actually reminding him of Spencer. Mikey ground his teeth together. He didn’t give a shit, not really. He didn’t care that Spencer had left, and that their… whatever it was… was really over. He didn’t. He didn’t have feelings for Spencer, because Spencer was a guy and that… that wasn’t who Mikey was.

 

“Alright then,” she said. “Enjoy the rest of your time here.”

 

“Thanks,” Mikey managed to get out. He watched her close the door, and as soon as it was closed he pulled out his cigarette pack and lit one.

 

He walked down the steps, shrouded in smoke and the evening sun. He wasn’t going to think about Spencer. He was going to go out and drink and fuck some guy with a beard, and he was not going to think about _anything_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment/kudos if you enjoyed!


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